I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
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The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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