the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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