I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Randomize
