I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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