Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
