Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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