WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
