Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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