how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
