Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
