I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
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