isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
