So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
