just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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