There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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