So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
