cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
