My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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