she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
