apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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