one two three fourrrrnication!
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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