I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
