hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
