Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
