The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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