Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
