I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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