she woke up with a sticky ear
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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