Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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