Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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