What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
