the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
