when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
