she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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