Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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