So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
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