Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
