i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
