yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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