I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Come share oat with me in your robe
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
