you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
