Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
