You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
