just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Little spoons don't ask big questions
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
