Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
