If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Randomize
