no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
