what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
