Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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