Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
