You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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