I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
