If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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