Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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