Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
My balls are so social today.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
