Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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