you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
